Twelve days before christmas

28 Jan

Twelve Days Before Christmas

(Sing to the tune of “Twelve Days of Christmas’)

Waldo Tomosky 12/13/11

***********

On the twelvth day before Christmas my boss, he fired me,

For stealing from the stationary stores cabinetry.

On the eleventh day before Christmas my boss, he called the cops,

Said I broke into his shops,

And stole toner from the stationary stores cabinetry.

On the tenth day before Christmas my boss called 911 to enquire,

“Can you extinguish a house fire?”

“Remove big nails from my tire?”

“And don’t steal anything from the stationary stores cabinetry.”

On the ninth day before Christmas my boss, he called my wife,

Only to cause me strife,

Asking if I had a knife,

Did I wish to end his life?

And “have you ever been in my stationary stores cabinetry?”

On the eighth day before Christmas my boss, he bought a gun,

Got a permit to hide and “carry,”

Bought hollow points, how merry,

Plus red laser sights, how scary,

Practiced shooting at brother Barry,

And hid all his weapons in the stationary stores cabinetry.

On the seventh day before Christmas my boss, he bought camouflage,

One rocket grenade,

One bazooka in trade,

Three ninja stars for a raid,

Handcuffs openly displayed,

Duct tape to brocade,

My sorry butt to the stationary stores cabinetry.

On the sixth day before Christmas my boss, he was stalking me,

Once I heard my dog bark,

Twice near the city park,

Thrice in the woods a lark,

Warned me of him in the dark,

Fifth I saw a car embark,

Inside it sat old Boss Shark,

And asked my psychiatrist “Did he steal stuff from my stationary stores cabinetry?”

On the fifth day before Christmas I got nabbed by the cops,

Made me spread my rack,

Put my arms behind my back,

Hand cuffed me, with great knack,

“Know Miranda, do ya’ Mack?”

Asked if I had any “crack”,

I had no idea, we called it “smack”,

Hauled me to the lock-up shack,

And told me not to steal from their stationary stores cabinetry.

On the fourth day before Christmas I spent the night in the slammer,

Looking at a holiday wreath,

Gnashing my brand new teeth,

Banging my head upon the wall,

The guards had that southern drawl,

Asked for my required phone call,

“Somp’en special, ya’ think, y’all?”,

Taught me the Alabama sprawl,

The Taser I can hardly recall.

While cellmate “Bubba-Jean” stole from the stationary stores cabinetry.

One the third day before Christmas I was standing before a magistrate,

I said “Not guilty judge”,

“On my record there’s not a smudge,

Lawyer gave me a little nudge,

And whispered, “Don’t try to fudge”,

Judge said “you have no shoe laces”,

“I have had similar cases”,

“No remorse on their faces”

“Mother nowhere to be seen”,

“Wife is only a teen”,

All while his hand was in the stationary stores cabinetry.

On the second day before Christmas I was incarcerated in solitary,

For punching out a “brother”,

And screaming at my mother,

Giving the finger to another,

Kicking the bailiff, a ‘soth’n’er’,

Ripping my toilet off the wall,

The pepper spray I can’t recall,

A nightstick I couldn’t forestall,

Once more I did the “sprawl”,

For kicking the warden in the crotch,

On my record there is a blotch,

While the guards were stealing from the stationary stores cabinetry.

On the first day of Christmas things seemed to go much better,

My boss dropped all the charges,

Shared with me his largess,

Hired me back once more,

“Forgive?” I did implore,

Forgave me for my slowness,

Gave me a nice big bonus,

And an office on a corner,

Where it was a little warmer,

Plus five weeks paid vacation,

He drove me to the station,

Hollered at the moving train,

Through the window pane,

“I did your wife on a shelf of the stationary stores cabinetry.”

    • © Copyright – Waldo Tomosky

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