UP TO

18 Dec

  The Ship Sinks

 

“UP TO” is the ultimate spoiler alert!

 

“Up to 50% off” means you will probably not get 50% off any item  (unless it is ugly, or a color[s] unknown to the human race, or one sleeve is missing, or it was worn from Christmas Eve until the day after New Years and then returned to the store for a full refund. Suggestion; smell the armpit of the remaining sleeve.)

 

“Up to 35 miles per gallon”   Hah! Who do they think we are? City actual = 15 MPG, Highway actual = 28 MPG, Downhill in the alps = 34 MPG, Dropped from a cargo plane at 25,000 feet = 32 ft per second per second.

 

“Up to 30 days use per bottle”   That’s why it is always wise to purchase 2 bottles whenever you buy this product. This is especially true for whiskey. No human being has ever had a bottle of whiskey for over 25 days. I speak from personal experience on these matters. Now possibly for cleaning liquids you could possibly get up to 78 days per bottle. Also true for deodorant. I never have trouble doubling the advertised length of service for one of those oval tubes of wax that they print DEODERANT on the front. Of course these aren’t bottles but they still fall in the category of false advertising.

 

“Up to no good” This is a phrase my father-in-law always used to describe me. Sometimes he would even say “No damn good.” Whenever anyone asked how I was he would respond that way. They would then confuse me with my brother-in-law who carried the same name.

 

“Up to my personal best” Now what the hell does that mean? I’ll tell you what it means. It means that the poor slob couldn’t do 10 chin-ups, push-ups or squat-thrusts. So he did a few repetitions and called it his personal best. Weany!

 

“Up to the prosecution”   Whooooaaaa! Why does the prosecution get to say whose misdeeds get overlooked? This is only used if the defendant is a cop, city councilman, mayor, governor or (and this is especially true) member of our United States Congress – – – and, oh yes – – – a member of the Senate or Assembly in New York State. How do we love thee, let me count the ways;

  • Majority Leader of the New York State Senate Dean Skelos (R) convicted of federal corruption charges. (2015)
  • Speaker of the New York State Assembly Sheldon Silver (D) convicted of federal corruption. (2015)
  • Depuy Majority Leader of the New York Senate Tom Libous (R) was convicted of lying to FBI. (2015)
  • Minority Leader of the New York State Senate John L. Sampson (D) was convicted of obstructing justice and making false statement. (2015)
  • Majority Leader of the New York State Senate Malcolm Smith (D) was found guilty in federal court of conspiracy, wire fraud, bribery and extortion for trying to bribe a Republican Party official to let him onto the Republican ballot in the 2013 New York City mayoral race. (2014)
  • State Assemblywoman Gabriela Rosa (D) sentenced to a year in jail for entering into a sham marriage in order to gain U.S. citizenship. (2014)
  • State Assemblyman William Boyland, Jr. (D) convicted of bribery (2014)[
  • State Assemblyman Eric Stevenson (D) found guilty of bribery, conspiracy and other related charges. (2014)
  • State Assemblyman Nelson Castro (D) convicted of perjury (2013)
  • State Senator Shirley Huntley (D) convicted of mail fraud. She was sentenced to one year and a day in prison. (2013)
  • Majority Leader of the New York State Senate Pedro Espada Jr. (D) On May 14, 2012 a federal jury found Espada guilty of embezzling money from federally funded healthcare clinics, after 11 days of deliberation. (2012)
  • State Senator Vincent Leibell (R) found guilty of felony bribery, tax evasion, and obstruction of justice charges related to $43,000 in cash kickbacks he took from 2003 to 2006. (2012)
  • State Senator Nicholas Spano (R), convicted of federal income tax evasion. Spano pleaded guilty to the single felony. He was sentenced to 12 to 18 months in federal prison. (2012)
  • New York State Comptroller Alan Hevesi (D), was convicted on charges surrounding a “pay to play” scheme regarding the New York State Pension Fund, and was sentenced to 1–4 years. (2011)
  • State Senator Carl Kruger (D) resigned his seat and pled guilty to charges of corruption and bribery. (2011)
  • State Senator Efrain Gonzalez Jr. (D) was convicted of fraud and embezzling $400,000 from the West Bronx Neighborhood Association Inc. and was sentenced to seven years in federal prison (2010)
  • State Health Commissioner Antonia Novello (R) pled guilty to costing the taxpayers $48,000 by making her staff carry out personal chores for her such as taking her shopping and picking up her dry cleaning. Her plea deal calls for 250 hours of community service at an Albany health clinic, $22,500 in restitution and a $5,000 fine. (2009)

Don’t you just love bi-partisanship?

 

 

Thank you Wikipedia.

Too bad the papers will not print this list

at least once per week.

 

 

“Up to you”   Be careful when The Feminine One says this. It is on the same plane as “Does this dress make me look fat?” Up to you does not mean it is really up to you. What it means is that it is up to you to guess what she really wants, it is up to you to make THE good choice, it is up to you to be able to read her mind, it is up to you where you wish to sleep tonight or the next week or the next month depending on how well your powers of intuition ar e; and they better be “Up to hers.”

 

“Up to 10% Rebate”   This is a good one. If it refers to automobile purchases. If you really want the 10% then you will have to get the Grand Luxe Custom (insert famous person’s name here) Legend model with kangaroo leather seats, GPS, entertainment center with surround-sound, woofers in the trunk for that great “beat” music, the luxury interior (which does not cover the kangaroo leather seats, heated tushy pads, custom paint, undercoat, clear coat, overcoat, Josef’s coat of many colors and a coat of arms.

Sucker

And you will also have to purchase the warranty package or they will not cover the engine, power train, rust, poor paint, wiring that may burst into flames, or tire tread wear. And – – – oh yes – – – you must buy the maintenance package which only allows the automobile to be serviced at the dealers shop.

Otherwise you are only going to get a 1.3% rebate and that will be made up for by offering you 15% less on your trade in than what it is worth.

  

“Up to that point”   Here we have one of the greatest interruption phrases ever created by man. The listener can say ‘Up to that point you were doing OK.’ See what happened? He not only stopped you right in the middle of your explanation but also gave himself a foot in the door. ‘Up to that point you were doing OK – – – BUT after that your argument is as dumb as a box of rocks.’ And now if you were giving someone your opinion you could use the phrase to double back and cover your derriere. Example; ‘Up to that point I am absolutely correct – – – but with that said – – – – -‘

 

 

“Up to the challenge”   The advertising boys love this one to wit;

      We only sell to men who want to look better; are you up to the challenge?

      Are you ready when she is ready; are you up to the challenge?

      Don’t be like Fred who avoids IRA’s; are you up to the challenge?

      Our mouthwash may tingle; are you up to the challenge?

      XXX Jockstraps are meant to hold you tight; are you up to the challenge?

 

 

I am not UP TO writing any more silliness, with that said – – – – – – – –  this is

 

The End

 

Author

 

 

 

 

 

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