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IT IS 78 NOW

21 Jun

 

No. That is not the temperature, nor the number of new shoots that the damn rabbit has eaten from my flower garden.

Nor is 78 to be thought of as a reference to musical records spun at 78 revolutions per minute – – – compared to LPs spun at 33 1⁄3 – – -and 45s spun at, of course, 45 rpm (interesting – – – 33 + 45 = 78). Nor is it meant to signify a typical tarot deck which contains 78 cards (21 trump cards, the Fool and the 56 suit cards), nor the total number of gifts in the song The Twelve Days of Christmas (78 is the 12th triangular number), and it has nothing to do with The Rule of 78s (which is a method of yearly interest calculation), however – – – and most importantly – – – it is not Municipal Okrug 78, the municipal okrug of the Tsentralny District of St. Petersburg, Russia, and don’t even consider it as the No. 78  automobile of NASCAR driver Martin Truex Jr. who currently drives a Toyota Camry in the Sprint Cup Series – – – nor the number of the laps of the Monaco Grand Prix since 1985 (with the exception of 1989  – – – just 77 laps).

78 is my age.

I am writing this because of the dichotomies I find occurring in my life. I used to love reading and I still do; however, it is getting more difficult. My eyes get tired and my mind competes with them to determine who gets rest first. I now realize that an hour of reading tends to put me to sleep. I close the book, turn out the light that is required – – – even in the daytime – – – and put my feet up. As soon as I close my eyes everything returns to normal. I am not sleepy and my eyes are immediately rested.

And so I think.

I think about why my eyes and mind get tired so quickly. Hell, I used to get up and read, modify, and transcribe passages of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam before breakfast. A devouring of the Rubaiyat along with a thick cup of coffee was more satisfying than a hearty breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. That usually occurred at five AM and now, after a bit of reading, I wish to close my eyes and fall asleep at nine AM. But I immediately realize I am not tired. Just my eyes are; not my mind.

And so I think.

I think about my body and what it can do and what it can no longer do. I can fish in a cold Adirondack stream and enjoy it. I can climb over a log to get to a promising eddy behind a large rock or a slow run beside an old fallen hemlock. However, I must test each rock beneath my foot to be sure it is not slippery and will not suddenly lurch beneath my weight. The noise of the rapids and waterfalls is music to my ears but tends to bring on a minor touch of vertigo. The sunlight glancing off the tannic waters is also pleasing but tends to confuse my balance.

And so I think.

I think about what has recently occurred on a cold Adirondack day during my last fishing trip. The Adirondacks have dichotomies of their own; hot one day, cold the next.  An icy rain has left my fingers numb after several hours. I have difficulty tying a hook or swivel to the line. I finally succeed and cast my bait into the pool. The fingers are not so cold as to be insensitive to the strumming of my line as a trout attempts to steal my bait; and he is caught, esteemed and immediately released. Another dichotomy has occurred; the fingers do not respond to attempted mechanical movements but remain alert to the miniscule sensations of a trout’s nibble.

And so I think.

I think about my early hours rising from bed. The knees are stiff and the back is bent. I sit for a moment to ensure my steadiness and allow my joints to catch up to my consciousness. A door jamb assists my stability. Then later in the day, after my usual two-mile walk, these same joints are as good as new and my steadiness has returned to normal. I still enjoy a long hike up the trail beside a ravine or a climb through a dense forest to reach a treasured fishing spot. The dichotomies seem to be increasing.

And so I think.

I think about what those unemotional actuarial tables are telling me. They say that I should plan on eighteen more months; on average. However, I refuse to be average. Damn it – – – I know I am not average. Would an average man think about the dichotomies he is encountering? Would an average man still be attempting to read simply as inspiration for thinking? Would an average man be attending university courses without a desire for anything other than to expose himself to contemporary ideas or the voices of the youth that surround him? Besides, the New York State Health Department says that those who can hang on until they are 78 have a good chance at enjoyment another 8.27 years. And even a chance of enjoyment is not such a bad idea when considering the alternative.

And so I think.

I used to think about my domicile; will the roof outlive me or should I plan on another big expense to replace it? I thought about my automobile; who will last longer – – – the 100,000 mile warranty or me? And how about all these octogenarians getting tattoos – – – should I get a tattoo? – – – depicting my expiration date as if I were sitting on a grocery shelf! Do old men and young men think alike but just live in their own present-day versions of society?

And so I think.

 

© Waldo Tomosky 6/21/17

A FOUND STEAMPUNK LOVE

5 Apr

AND THEY DID STEAMPUNK – – –

 

None touching the other. None responding – – –  for there was nothing to respond to.

They saw space ships made of wood. Portals opened up  – – – when the airplanes descended upon them.

From each portal a fifty pound canon appeared. And it fired upon the airplanes – – – with zero results.

And they looked into each other’s eyes – – – his brown – – – hers blue – – – and they wept.

Not because of the battle of the steampunk air battle – – – but because they knew that steampunk would be their downfall.

He kept a wall cabinet full of gears, telescopes, leather pilot’s helmets, and eye pieces.

She kept a wardrobe full of Elizabethan gowns, bodices, garters and chastity belts.

He knew – – – that even with all the mechanical advantages that he held in his cabinet – – – he would never remove any of the accoutrements that she had selected to wear on that special evening.

But there they were – – – stuck in steampunk. She wishing to rub against him. He wishing to engage in The Naughty.

Sir Reginald Pike Deviant sang his “Mustache Song” 

while Abney Park was parking with his sweetie on lover’s lane.

And there they were; stuck in steampunk. And how were they to escape?

He pulled out his six shooter – – – loaded (all six cylinders) with nothing but smoke.

She pulled out her braided horse whip.

He asked: “Is that for you or for me.”

She responded:  “Me”

He fell in love all over again.

And then he found that she was the dear departed wife of the doctor.

And they lived happily ever after.

THE END

THE MALE-MAN RINGS ONCE

25 Sep

 

A real male doesn’t ring the bell a second time,

If she really wanted him, it would be sublime,

When she didn’t answer I departed quite sad,

I never thought our love would go bad,

They said that it was a victimless crime!

 

Men don’t wear skinny jeans,

Men don’t own figurines,

We are aggressive by all means,

It started in our early teens,

We think you are all queens,

It is imbedded in our genes.

 

A real male doesn’t ring the bell a second time,

Upon no answer, he thought it a crime,

He did not cry nor did he weep,

However he anguished in his sleep,

He felt diminished in his prime.

 

Men don’t wear makeup,

For young ladies to shake up,

They would rather wake up,

In their arms and make up,

And immediately take up,

From last night, not break up.

 

A real male doesn’t ring the bell a second time,

He considers it a capitulating war crime,

He walks away with head held high,

He knows that this love will go awry,

He keeps his anguish as an internal rhyme.

 

Men don’t eat quiche,

Nor are kept on a leash,

Or commit pastiche,

They find their own niche,

Extending their reach,

With never a screech.

 

A real male rings the bell only once,

For that he may be called a dunce,

He has his pride and ego too,

He knows that love has gone askew,

She treats him with ambivalence.

 

Men are not steel bolts,

But sometimes dolts,

Like wild young colts,

With excessive volts,

Then their ego molts,

Before she bolts.

 

A real male rings the bell; sometimes twice,

And in desperation, sometimes thrice,

Love has no ego, only desire,

And if the situation is really dire,

He then realizes that he must be nice,

Another Cosmos Thingy

6 Sep

Image credit GALEX _ NASA _ JPL_Caltech

 

Tonight was fairly clear and once again the stars were moving in a counterclockwise motion; barely detectable.

I wondered in which direction the stars in Australia move; clockwise or counterclockwise?

Probably counter clockwise; this would keep everything in order since their toilets flush in the opposite direction from ours. Hell, we wouldn’t want their toilet water to go in the same direction of their stars; that may throw the whole balance of the southern hemisphere out of kilter.

It is a good thing that the English put in place another one of their imaginary scientific thingies; the Prime Meridian. Otherwise we would not know who flushed their toilets on what day or what time. When an astronaut flushes his toilet and he makes one revolution around the earth in less than 24 hours – – – when did the flush complete; yesterday or tomorrow?

And by the way; clockwise or counterclockwise?

Speaking of English science and measurements, what the hell is going on up there in Canada?

I recently went on a fishing trip up in Quebec and filled my gas tank after crossing the border. I was charged by the liter and it wasn’t cheap. When I complained they told me that a liter was selling for several pounds in England so I should not complain.

Of course I had to ask what the conversion was between liters and gallons and pounds and dollars. I was immediately corrected that the terms were ‘litres et des liters et des livres et dollars.

Who needs independence when people are free to speak their tongues; or in Quebec’s case – – – their minds.

So I drove to the nearest trucking firm and weighed my car. Sure enough; I had paid for 28.5 pounds of petrol and was charged 35 loonies.

What a rip-off!

However, we must get back to the earth’s rotation and those twinkly little things up there in the night sky.

“Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

How I wonder how you is,

Up der in da sky so obscure,

I often ponder how youse endure.”

Please excuse my poetry. Sometimes I just get carried away by my mental acuity.

Now back to the USA vs Australia.

We now understand (due to my above brilliant explanation of hemispheres, latitude and longitude) how toilets flush and stars move.

However, the question remains; if the USA and Australia share a common inner core, outer core, Gutenberg’s “D” ring (you gotta be kiddin’ me), mantle inferior, mantle transitional, mantle superior, something called the ‘Zona de baixa velocidade’, not to mention the continental crust and the oceanic crust (scusa’ mi, I guess I did just mention them) and in some obscure place in some obscure language there are also the Asthenosphere and the lithosphere.

I think I have a grasp of the litho (stone or rock) sphere covering the earth but I am having trouble with the Astheno sphere.

The last time I ran into Astheno was in Las Vegas. He had covered my bets on the horses and when I couldn’t pay him back I immediately found there were no limits to his sphere of influence; if you get my drift.

Which brings us to continental drift. I once owned a 1958 Lincoln Continental and it sure felt like it was drifting around the corners. Felt like the tires where still on the ground but the body was connected to the running gear by a slinky.

Is it really true that some engineer invented the slinky but when he divorced his wife she gained control of the company? That was a slinky thing to do.

Oh yes, the core and mantle thingies.

If the USA and Australia share all those inner earth properties – – – then why can’t they share the outer earth measurements? The hobbits shared inner earth thingies and Jabba the Hut shared outer earth properties with Jar Jar Binks.

Why can’t we humans just get along?

Author

A FEW MORE “TECHNICAL TRICKS FOR YOUR DEVICES”

25 Aug

USB

We offer – – – right here – – – for free, three new ways to keep your technical devices in tip top shape.

  1. Recharging that smart phone
  2. Watching ‘pay/view’ movies for free
  3. Perpetual power through that USB port

 

  1. Recharging that smart phone

We know that recharging that smart phone is essential to keeping up with the Kardashians (and the Duggers and the latest on the Ashley Madison rumors).

Therefore the following tip on how to keep that smart phone loaded with amps.

At night, just after you turn off the TV and before you go to bed, take a two quart plastic container (I prefer to use the ones that Wonton soup comes in from the Chinese restaurant) and place it under an electrical wall socket (any wall socket will do). We all know that there are very small spikes in the flow of current to your home. These spikes will send out electrons from your wall socket (these are harmless and normally dissipate without notice). Now here is the beauty of this tip!

These electrons will fall into the plastic container (it must be either plastic or rubberized) and collect there throughout the night.

The next morning place your smart phone in the container being careful not to spill too many of the electrons. Place the lid on the container and by time you get to work (or to Starbucks or to the Doggy Park) your smart phone will be fully charged by the residue electrons captured in the container.

For those of you who use tablets or laptops or any device with a USB port; cut a slit in the container lid, plug the USB port into your device and carefully slide the other end through the slit you have just cut in the lid. Be sure that the terminal end of the USB port is all the way to the bottom of the container. That way you can ensure that all the residue electrons that you collected overnight will be charging your device.

 

  1. Watching ‘pay/view’ movies for free

This little gem of a trick will be driving the cable companies nuts!

First, select a pay per view channel but don’t order it.

Second, turn off the TV.

It is a well-kept secret between the cable companies, the satellite companies and the TV manufacturers, that the pixels on our TVs are underpowered. This means that there is more power available than is needed to light up a single pixel. Therefore each pixel has power to spare.

This is much like the extra current power from your electrical socket except that it is the colors that we will be collecting.

Now the secret of this trick is to place a long container under your TV before you turn it off. I prefer to use the same type of pan that is used for wetting wall paper. They can be purchased in various lengths and you can get them in plastic as well as aluminum. The aluminum ones hold the brightness of the residue pixels better than the plastic ones.

While you are sleeping the residue pixels that are coming through the cable from your dish (or from the cable company) will be emitted from the front of your TV. These pixels are always being emitted from your TV but you can only see them when the power is on. These pixels will fall into the wallpaper pan.

When you are ready to see the movie connect one end of your USB port to your device and place the other end in the wallpaper pan. It is best to put that end to the left hand side of the pan because that is the way that the pixels were originally sent through the cable; left to right.

Sit back and enjoy the movie!

 

  1. Perpetual ‘Power to the Port’    PPTTP

As you may have noticed – – – no matter when you plug in a USB cable there is always power and signal to the device you have plugged in. When you are not using a USB connected printer (or any other USB cabled device) you have the option of containing that power within your laptop.

The trick here is to find a USB cable with both ends exactly alike. Most electronic shops will tell you that there is no such item. You will have to insist upon it. If they remain adamant about it just tell them the key-word “PPTTP” and they will know that you know that they know what you are talking about. This utterance has never failed me to obtain the PPTTP cable.

Once you have the PPTTP cable plug both ends into the dual USB ports that most devices have. This will reroute any power – – – that is normally lost through the empty USB port – – – right back into your device. People have increased their battery time by 125 pico-units over a one week period.

 

Well, that’s it from me, the Guru of “Technical Tricks For Your Devices”

Keep tuned in for our next series; “Keeping that Black and White Radio in Shape for the Cartoons” and “Correct Flue Connections for Your Natural Gas Operated Tablet” (or “Let Your Gas Pass”).

The Self and the Cosmos

24 Aug

 

The Cosmos

 

You may think that this post is my attempt at erudition of the reader.

Far from it my friends; this post is about my ego.

So here is what happened.

I was sitting on my patio looking into the western sky. I thought it was western but possibly it could have been southwestern.

In either case I noticed two things.

First, my snifter of ‘Grand Marnier’ was getting empty faster than normal.

Second, a star that I was watching moved about 1 degree in roughly 8 minutes.

I had doubts about the effects of nature upon my snifter but I had no doubts that the star had moved. So I located the moon and watched it for 8 minutes.

Viola! It also moved about the same number of degrees.

SO! How did I measure the degrees? I drew an imaginary line from the ground straight upward to the star (or the moon – – – take your pick). Some people would call this ‘true vertical’ but due to the Grand Marnier I can not vouch for how true this line was. Then I drew an imaginary line across the horizon (maybe we should call this ‘almost true horizontal). I then made an estimate of how far the star (moon) had moved and estimated that arc (or “Those Radians” if you watch the Big Bang Theory re-runs) until I reached the horizon.

So there you go! One (1) degree in a period of eight (8) minutes.

I thought that was pretty amazing. NO! Not my calculations even though they were amazing. What I thought was amazing was that the earth was spinning so fast that it looked like the cosmos were moving; and in such a short period of time.

Then I said to myself “SELF! If the earth is spinning that fast why don’t the poor SOBs that live on the equator just fly off and into space.

On the other hand why don’t the Eskimos get pulled into a flat pancake because gravity has such a pull on them without the benefit of centrifugal force.

Now – – – for those of you who do watch Big Bang Theory please don’t attempt to enlighten me by saying it is ‘centripetal’ not ‘centrifugal.’ I just checked with Wikipedia and right there by the diagram they said “Waldo is correct; it is centripetal centrifugal.”

And there lies the rub. Well – – – the first one anyway.

Now if the earth is spinning that fast and centrifugal force has been action upon it for eon after eon after eon; then, when the earth was a little more plastic it would have bulged at the center and the circumference at the equator would be larger than at the poles.

Ahah! I get my second Viola!

According to About.com Geography the following is true.

The circumference of the earth at the equator is 24,901.55 miles (40,075.16 kilometers).

But, if you measure the earth through the poles the circumference is a bit shorter – 24,859.82 miles (40,008 km). This means the earth is a tad wider than it is tall, giving it a slight bulge at the equator. This shape is known as an ellipsoid or more properly, geoid (earth-like).

But we still don’t know why there is no one flying off the face of the earth at the equator. And we don’t know if this centrifugal force has any different effects on the natives of the Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong River in the Amazon basin than the effects it could have on Santa Claus at the North Pole. If there is no effect on Santa that could explain his merry attitude and the wider distance around his equator.

Now – – – taking all this into consideration I had to imagine a line drawn around the earth and crossing where I live; Vestal, NY. (No – – – this is not where the Vestal Virgins originated.)

So Vestal is at the same Latitude (Yes – – – I checked it out – – – it is not Longtitude; Sheldon from Big Bang Theory would be so proud of me) – – – where was I? Oh yes, Vestal is at the same Latitude as Rome.

So why is Rome so pleasant and here in Vestal we freeze our gonads off every February. Which says we should have more virgins in Vestal than in Rome.

Maybe I have just discovered my third Viola!

In answer to the question Rome versus Vestal someone said it was because of the Gulf Current. So what the hell does that mean? Are they saying that we get the cold water coming down from the North Atlantic and as it sweeps counterclockwise forming the Outer Banks of North Carolina it somehow pulls warm water up from the Gulf of Mexico and shoves it over to Europe?

Nice going Mexico! You give us your poor immigrants but you send all your warm water to Europe. That’s gratitude for you.

And that is it for tonight folks. It explains why Rome is warm yet the moon keeps moving to the west. We should run a ‘correlation coefficient’ calculation on that.

So next time be sure to tune in on Weird Waldo’s Wonderments as brought to you on this same blog by the effects of Grand Marnier.

Goodnight folks, and good night to Mrs. Calabash – – – wherever she is.

 

 {Waldo has left the building but will sign autographs out by the recycling bins}

 © Waldo ‘The Grate’ Tomosky, 8/23/15

A Representative Will Be With You Momentarily

14 May

Momentarily

 

Dear Customer Service,

Please read the above definition of ‘momentarily.’

Did you see anywhere in the definition the word ‘minutes?’

Did you see a quantitative value such as five, ten or fifteen minutes?

Did you see anything saying that said we will play stupid idiotic music for as long as we choose?

Did the definition say that you would be telling us what a great company you are and how many different services you provide;  except customer service?

Did it say that if you are bewildered by the word ‘momentarily’ and are tired of waiting you could leave us your phone number and we will call you back; if and when we want to at our own convenience – – – not the convenience of the customer?

Did you say that you would call back the minute we sat down on the toilet and couldn’t answer your return call?

Did the definition say that you would switch us to another message that said we could get better service if we used your internet page which is totally worthless because it is so slow and you forgot to hire a human interface engineer; instead you hired a web page designer who is, was and will always be a nerd who has no concept of ‘working with others?’

Did the definition say that ‘the voice’ would come back to us every two minutes to tell us that  ‘We value our customers’ and ‘A representative will be with you momentarily?’

Did the definition say that ‘you are the umpteenth’ customer in the queue and your expected wait time will be ‘as soon as the Eurozone stops squabbling amongst themselves?’

No!

So the bill I was attempting to pay over the phone will be sent to you – – – – momentarily.

Thank you, I value your service.

Skeleton